Watching The CW

So here’s the deal, I was finally starting to keep the chicks straight on American Idol and America’s Next Top Model, and then I started watching Beauty and the Geek and The Bachelor. Not only was I completely confused as to who was who and which show they were on, I also found myself wondering something. Where do all these skinny brainless chicks come from anyway? Are they just churned out at a factory somewhere?

In any case, last night on The Bachelor was the part that starts to get interesting. They had home dates with the final four girls. Now, I’m finally willing to invest the time to learn their names. Last week, two women were eliminated, one was a psycho chick and the other thought she was America’s Next Top Model, so I was glad to lose them. So that left the four women who’s homes he visited. Don’t ask me where they all lived, though, cause I didn’t care enough to try to remember that. The chicks were Shayne, an “actress” who is the daughter of actor Lorenzo Lamas. I put the word actress in quotes, because I’m fairly certain her acting credits to this point have consisted of high school stage productions. In any case, Matt, this year’s British Bachelor, seems to really like her, even though I think she’s kinda young for him, 22 to his 27. Look, I’d be the first to admit that age is just a number, but trust me when I say that this kid is not the most emotionally mature person you’re ever gonna meet. But she is really, really hot. Plus, she has a family involved in acting, and my friend Sandy tells me that the word on the street is that this guy only agreed to do the show because he wants to be an actor. (Sandy is a great cyber researcher, and for “researcher,” you can read “stalker.”) So he may end up with Shayne. Personally, after the home visit, I would have run screaming, cause although Lorenzo has held up well over the years, and you can still just see the young boy who played the other love interest for Olivia Newton-John’s Sandy on Grease, Shayne’s mother has had one too many trips to the cutting table. Her face is just all weird and her mouth . . . it’s hard to describe . . . it sorta takes over half her face in an unnatural way, with a dark purply outline, but pale, pasty pink lips. I was scared.

Matt also visited the homes of the three other young ladies (I use that term pretty loosely here), Amanda, Chelsea and Noelle. Of those three, probably the most normal was Noelle, with nice parents, and two sisters, who all apparently live on a farm or somewhere with horses. Of course, he doesn’t choose her.

Chelsea, 25, to me is just sorta loud and obnoxious, and yet manages to hide any type of emotional connection. They both keep saying how great they are together, but I don’t see it. Her family did seem nice, though.

Finally, we have Amanda, 27. Amanda thought it would be a real hoot to hire actors to play her parents, and be as weird and annoying as possible. Her ersatz mother played a drunken slut who laughed inappropriately and made several passes at Matt. The father was just kinda rude. Finally, he walks in on Matt and the mother, who is all over Matt, and demands to know what’s going on. I was wondering the same thing. Why would Amanda waste so much of her time with Matt on something so silly. So, long after the rest of us have had enough, Amanda calls it quits and tells Matt she was pulling a practical joke on him. Ha ha. Yikes. Then he gets to meet her real family, but fortunately we really don’t have to sit through too much of that. If it was my choice, I’d have gotten rid of Amanda, just for that, but Matt clearly has a different sense of humor than me.

Next week, Matt takes the three remaining chicks for some fun in the sun in Barbados. I, for one, just can’t wait.